In our society, sex is often the subject of many conversations. It is in the music, people on TV are having it, curious teenagers are looking to explore it, and ad agencies are making a buck off it.
However, for a topic with such interest, it has been and is still viewed from a certain standpoint especially in heterosexual relationships. This view is based on a worn-out patriarchal phrase; “sex is about giving and taking.” The giver is the woman and the taker is the man.
Sex is taught differently to men and women. It acknowledges men as sexual beings and disregards women’s sexuality, reclining them to the role of purity symbols. Women are trained to be chaste and offer their bodies as a living sacrifice to their husbands. This is seen in our religious and cultural institutions.
Female pleasure is not discussed in women sex education classes, because for women it is a duty to be performed, not an activity to be enjoyed. In sex education classes, women are taught that sex is primarily for procreation.
For context, Mira, a women’s health company, involved 1,500+ Americans aged 18-44 in a survey about sexual education last year.
Though 42 per cent of women and 47 per cent of men felt sex ed didn’t prepare them for their first sexual experiences. Only 32% of women learned about pleasure in sex ed compared to 51% of men. These findings highlight the need for better sexual education, especially for women.
This could be why men get away with objectifying lyrics in music. Lyrics that fail to paint sex as a consensual act, instead hammers on the “man’s place” as a taker.
However, when women sing about enjoying sex, there is an outcry and general backlash against them.
Exhibit A: In a 2019 interview with People TV, Jermaine Dupri struggled to name his favorite female rapper, expressing that he found many of them were rapping about similar topics, referring to the explicit female-centric content in their lyrics as “stripper rap.”
Exhibit B: Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s “WAP”.
“Oh my God. Slow down. Like, slow down. And let’s have some imagination,” Snoop said of the song’s lyrics. “Let’s have some, you know, privacy, some intimacy where he wants to find out as opposed to you telling him.”
Instances like this tip the patriarchal scale because women are supposed to see their bodies as a means to an end, the end being male pleasure. But when the pleasure of one party is the only priority, the concept of consent is lost.
The patriarchal notion of sex does not see the woman as a participant in sexual relations. The language used by men especially in a society like Nigeria in relation to sex further drives this point.
A few examples of this language include; “I chop am”, “I don run her package”, “I don sample the babe”. Use of words like these reduce women to sexual objects.
Female autonomy holds no place in this kind of system, resulting to male entitlement to the female body. Men feel they are owed sex for simply possessing a penis. This fuels groping, catcalling, rape and other forms of sexual violence. It is also responsible for the rise of Involuntary Celibates, popularly known as incels.
Incel culture is rooted in extreme misogyny. This set of men fault women for their lack of sexual encounters. They believe women are inferior and should be grateful for the male gaze. They carry a disdain for women in general but this disdain goes deeper for women they perceive as sexually active, women exercising their autonomy. Many members of this group have attacked and killed women for their beliefs. Femicide is a celebrated act within this community.
The continual ignorance of women’s sexuality absolves men of responsibility. During the heat of the women-led Kenyan protests against femicide, Scar Mkadinali, a Kenyan rapper, made a post on his Instagram story about the issue.
His post said “one way of reducing femicide is by advising our women to get married by the age of 23. Married women rarely go to Airbnb and clubs. This is not rocket science, come on.”
His post pointed to the purity reserved for women. Men are present in these clubs and Airbnb but not a word was directed to them. Men are the perpetrators of this crime but they weren’t mentioned in this post. Scar’s sentiment also presumes that (sexually) liberated women are “promiscuous”, a term barely used to describe men.
Men are praised for their “body count” while women are berated for them. Oftentimes, when women are assaulted, their practice of sexual liberation is blamed. It is assumed that because they are sexually active, all sexual advances are welcomed; they were clearly asking for it. The focus on male horniness has excused criminal acts for so long disguising male desire as an insatiable and uncontrollable urge.
There is a need for us to reorient ourselves on the matter of sex. Conversations bordering on the subject must recognize the full humanity of women including their sexual lives and their autonomy.
These discussions should not tie a woman’s value to a simple pleasurable activity. It is not something done to them but an experience they are part of. We must become open to the fact that women have lots of sex like men and approach it like we do with men.
This can only happen when we dismantle the idea that women are the poster image for purity. Female pleasure should be included in the media. If male pleasure has a place in the media, surely female pleasure does too. The media influences our thoughts and actions, it can be harnessed in reshaping our views on sex. By doing this, we are normalising the female sexual experience and taking down patriarchal structures.
The elimination of sexual double standards is necessary in fighting sexual violence. These double standards are ingrained in our society. Women must be regarded as sexual beings as much as men.
Women fuck and love to fuck, acknowledging this creates an environment that encourages consent.
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